So I've been really angry lately, and it's all due to the slow realization that I don't get the respect, as a woman, that I thought I did... from myself, from doctors, and sometimes from those closest to me.
About four years ago, I decided to start taking the birth control pill. All my friends were doing it, and I had just started seeing my now-husband, so I thought it was a good idea. At the university I attended, young women wanting a prescription for birth control had to take an online course on it, which was mostly a message about abstinence and disease prevention, which was woefully behind the times (it claimed Plan B was available by prescription only and so should not be relied upon as a back-up, when really Plan B was available over-the-counter and was/is an excellent back-up). This slide-show and quiz taught me essentially nothing that I hadn't learned in high school health class.
When I went to the ob/gyn, she went over the possible side effects (weight gain, moodiness, headaches, and (rarely) blood clots). I was then put on one pill, followed by another, followed by a third that seemed to actually work. It regulated my cycle, and my boobs were huge.
At first, I thought the pill was fine. I felt happier than I had in a while, because of now-husband. Over time, however, I began to hate my body, but in a different way than before... I used to hate my body, count calories, and lose weight. On the pill, I hated my body, but I felt powerless to do anything to feel better about it. My chest was so large I felt ridiculous. I had no sex drive. What were my options? I needed to be on the pill, right? So I kept with it, eliciting a promise from now-husband that once we were married we could figure out some other way of preventing pregnancy.
Finally, a year after we were married, we were financially stable and settled into a new town. I decided this was the time to talk to my doctor about a non-hormonal kind of birth control. When I told this to my ob/gyn, however, she managed to manipulate me into yet another pill. She asked me what I didn't like about my current one (huge boobs, no sex drive), and immediately began flipping through her effing book o' pills. She prescribed me another one and had me out the door before I realized that I hadn't actually gotten what I came for: an honest conversation about alternative methods of birth control.
I gave in, figuring maybe this fourth pill would be magically different from the rest. This was the mother of them all, however... For three months (the standard trial period), I was batshit crazy. It was the worst three months of our marriage. I was depressed, I was angry, I could not control my reactions to minor irritations, and oh-my-god the anxiety. I went back to my gyno after three months, told her it made me crazy, and said "just put me back on the old one," knowing that she wouldn't hear me if I asked to talk about *god forbid* a diaphragm.
About the time I went back on my old pill, I started experiencing pain in my abdomen. It was mild enough that I ignored it. One day, however, I felt a piercing pain, followed by buzzing in my ears and tunnel vision. I nearly passed out on my desk at work. My coworker drove me to a clinic, but by the time I got to a doctor, I was feeling fine, though I bled a little. He suggested that I had probably experienced a rupturing ovarian cyst.
Back at the office, I did some googling. As it turns out, ovarian cysts can result from switching between birth control pills (which nobody had ever told me). I felt a small flare of anger, but let it go. That month, my cramps were crippling. They rendered me incapable of walking. The pain made me break out in cold sweats. The next month, the same thing happened. I made an appointment with my doctor... again...
Let me rewind for a moment. During the three batshit crazy months, I experienced some "pain during elimination." Look it up, because I don't want to be more explicit. This pain led me to believe I might have endometriosis, because that is one of the classic symptoms. This pain went away, however, after my "burst ovarian cyst." Further research showed that pain during elimination is a symptom of a cyst. Okay, we can return to my doctor's visit...
I explained to the doctor everything that had been going on with me. She admitted that switching between pills could lead to ovarian cysts. When I mentioned the pain during elimination, she seized the piece of information and began describing endometriosis, saying that it was possible I had it. I explained that the pain went away after my "cyst" burst, but she didn't seem to hear me. She suggested waiting a few weeks to see if the pain went away, and to then come in for an ultrasound. I left feeling unheard and misled about the pill.
After that visit, I experienced general and worsening pain on the left side of my abdomen. Suddenly, I couldn't eat. I began to feel sick in the morning. I felt feverish. I took a pregnancy test, which came out negative. The pain got worse, and worse. It kept me up at night. I was terrified that something awful was happening to me, so I made an emergency appointment with my gynecologist. They squeezed me in for a quick ultrasound.
I had my ultrasound first (everything looked fine, they said). Then I talked to a doctor (actually, a nurse practitioner...only nurse practitioners through all of this). I explained all of my symptoms. She said she didn't know what could be causing my digestive issues, but that the pain plus that "pain during elimination" which I'd mentioned in my personal history (explaining again that it WENT AWAY after the cyst burst) meant that I probably had endometriosis. She prescribed me a hormonal injection. I left the office, went home, and cried... Cried, because, if she was right, then I had a lifetime of infertility and pain ahead of me. Also cried because she wanted me to get hormones injected straight into me, which would not be reversible for several months.
After my cry session, I decided that I didn't believe her diagnosis. If it was endometriosis, why was the onset of the pain so sudden? Why did the pain during elimination go away? I went off the pill entirely, and, miraculously, felt much better for several weeks. My boobs shrank, I gained a little weight around my middle, and my general anxiety melted away. I felt some pain mid-cycle, but nothing to write home about. I bloated badly, but if I avoided dairy it wasn't an issue.
Then I got a bill. 350 dollars for my visits of the last two months, and insurance would cover 15 dollars. Then I got another bill. The gyno had sent my sonogram off to some radiologist twenty minutes away, a month after my visit, without my knowledge, and didn't even bother to share the results with me.
Recently, I've learned that all of my symptoms can be attributed to hormonal imbalance resulting from switching pills and going off the pill. Nobody suggested this to me. The nurse practitioners didn't even seem to hear what I said.
So, I am angry, because doctors have told me "You're just stressed" and implied that I don't really know what I want by refusing to discuss options that DO NOT include artificial hormones. If I ever have a daughter, I will tell her to pay attention to what her own body is telling her. If it feels wrong, it IS wrong. If paternalistic doctors don't seem to hear you, don't hear them. And don't go on the goddamn birth control pill, because if will screw you up.
My experience is not unique... I've begun talking to my friends about this, and I hear the same thing from them. Nobody listens. They all assume they know better. Nobody warns you of the real consequences of messing with your hormonal balance for the sake of preventing pregnancy. Women's bodies are seen as not their own and as things that need to be controlled. Don't give in to this mindset; take and maintain control of your own health.
The jury is still out on whether I have endometriosis or not, but for now I am dealing with only a small level of pain (much diminished from a few months ago, when I was on the pill) and, until that pain is crippling, I am dealing with my symptoms on my own, through herbal remedies and stress reduction. Yes, I, the skeptic, have become that person.
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