Been spending my week (at least it feels that way) helping my partner cope with feelings of inadequacy while I myself feel less than up to the work of life. He has difficulty beginning applications for grad school, and I... I open books to do research on women in academia and become so depressed and overwhelmed by the incredibly steep uphill battle it is to get anywhere as a woman who wants a career and family, too, that I shut the books after ten minutes. I want to tell the world "it isn't FAIR," but I can't get even one person to understand. I express my fears to J or my parents and I get silence or "well, it [PhD + career + family] has been done." I don't want to hear that it's been done. I want to hear that it's accepted and supported and that I won't have to give up "what I want" for the other "what I want." How can they take it so lightly??
I find it hard enough now to go to grad school and work on my thesis and plan a wedding and cook and do laundry and keep the house clean. How could I possibly cope with that and a family? Why do I feel like I have to choose either "career" or "life"? Why isn't the working world set up to accomodate the peculiarities of women? Right now, it's set up in a way that expects women to act like men in order to succeed. I'm proud of being a woman, proud of everything that entails, and I think the professional world completely overlooks us. We have opportunity, but it feels like it only comes with sacrifices on our part that men often don't have to make. Housekeeping still falls on me, even though I work, too. J helps a little, but I don't think he has any concept of what it takes to keep our clothes clean and our bathroom usable...
It all makes me want to throw in the towel and say "screw it; I'll find a job with no pressure to publish or get tenure so that I don't have to worry about ruining my career by having a child someday (years down the road)"
Early to be panicking about all of this, but I seriously had no idea that women's lib accomplished so little (though I know that what they did accomplish was quite important).
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5 comments:
Make J work! Problem: a woman is expected to be successful and still have dinner on the table by 6 - my response: bullshit.
Stephen does the laundry, but bless his heart if I have to tell him one more time NOT to wash the towels with my sweaters!
You can have your cake and eat it too, but you'll need J to help bake.
That's what being a part of a team is all about. You keep talking about you, you, you...your career, your family plans, ect. but if you plan to marry, procreate, and get tenure, all goals which you CAN obtain, then you gotta get that team work functioning....not this "J helps sometimes..." I have a habit of rambling, so this will be my last thought:
If you want to make great strides on your feminist movement: career and family, then you gotta get your man to make strides in his own movement: housework and support.
If there's to be two, then both gotta pull weight...teach J to do the laundry, with the towels separate from your sweaters.
I suppose I could teach him to do laundry or at least make him put it away (that's the part that I really hate anyway). We've made progress, though... The other day he cleaned the toilet without any nagging from me! I think, however, that we need a definite schedule or division of labor if I'm going to retain my sanity in the long run...
it's a long hard road teaching a guy to play "Tony Danza*", but like you getting tenure, I know it can and will be done.
*Who's the Boss? - Just in case :)
Sorry to hear about all these.
We don't really get what we want in an instant. And we don't really get everything that we want either. It takes a lot of time and sacrifices. Well, life really isn't fair...
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